Conflict Resolution

Debbie Lorence, from the University of Louisville's Kentucky Autism Training Center, gave a handout on managing family stress that I thought may help:

I will try not to avoid conflict altogether - instead, I will try to not let the little things that bother me BUILD UP until one of us explodes the issue into a large fight; I will try to talk about it with my partner within 48 hours, or let it go; I will try to set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have our discussion if my partner doesn't want to discuss the matter immediately.

I will try not become defensive - instead, I will try to listen and hear my partner out; I will try to address my partner's complaints with objectivity and with a willingness to understand; I will try to remain calm and in control of my emotions.

I will try not to overgeneralize - instead, I will try to lose the words "always" and "never"; I will try to avoid catastrophisizing; I will try to avoid the focus on isolated events and assuming all future events will be the same; I will try to stop and think if the things I am saying are really true.

I will try not to always be right - instead, I will try to stop looking at things as being "right" or "wrong" and that my opinions are always right and my partner's are wrong; I will try to recognize that sometimes two points of view are valid; I will try to look for effective ways to compromise; I will try to accept that my partners might have a different opinion that I do and that sometimes we might need to agree to disagree.

I will try not to read my partner's mind - instead, I will try to resist the idea that I "know" what my partner is thinking and that those thoughts are contrary to mine; I will try to avoid assigning motives to my partner's actions - "You are only saying/doing this because..."; I will try to avoid jumping to conclusions and hear my partner out.

I will try not to deny the positive - instead, I will try to refrain from holding the magnifying glass to the negative events while I dismiss the positive - for example, I will focus on the nine things that go right instead of the one thing that goes wrong; I will try to expect positive things to happen rather than thinking of positive things as flukes - this will help me to eliminate those "Yeah, but...." responses when my partner proposes a solution to a problem.

I will try not to forget to listen - instead, I will try to listen carefully - don't think about what I am going to say next while my partner is talking; I will try to reflect back what my partner is saying so he/she feels heard; I will try to avoid interrupting; I will try to look at my partner when we are having a conversation and pay attention to his/her body language; I will try to use "I" statements instead of "You" statements.

I will try not to play the "Blame Game" - instead, I will try to refrain from criticizing and blaming others for the situation; I will try to avoid trying to "shame" my partner as being "at fault"; I will try to use the opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties, and try to reach a solution that helps both of us; I will try to refrain from personalizing my stressors - blaming myself for things over which I have no control creates more stress for me.

I will try not to always feel I need to "win" - instead, I will try to come to a resolution and a mutual understanding that respects the needs of both of us; I will try to not discount my partner's thoughts and get stuck in my own point of view; I will try to look for ways to compromise. Health communication involves finding a resolution that both parties can be happy with.

I will try not make character attacks - instead, we will try to avoid calling each other names; we will refrain from blaming one another or make accusations; I will try to respect my partner even if I don't like his/her ideas or behavior; I will try to avoid bringing up past conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic.

I will try not to "own" my stuff - instead, I will try to accept my own responsibility for the situation - this causes long-term problems because the situation won't get any better; I will try to avoid engaging in finger-pointing and acknowledge my own thoughts and feelings.